Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Letter to Addiction

Dear Addiction,

I know I am a coward for ending it this way, but I don’t know if I am strong enough to face you one last time. No, that’s not true. I know for sure I’m not strong enough. In fact that’s the whole reason for this letter.

You tricked me. Wait, that’s not entirely true. I have to be honest. I tricked myself. I made myself believe that I could control you, that I could use YOU. I put these chains on to show how they would look on you. You just smiled and gently closed the lock. I never heard a sound. I hate the fact that I have gotten used to the weight. I don’t even remember what freedom feels like. Being with you became second nature, but deep down my original nature was saving every bit of strength for the fight that starts today.

You may think that this is just another one of those times when I proclaim my freedom, struggle for a day, and just give in because I don’t see that anything’s changed, but this time is different. What I imagined as pleasure was really just a kiss of fear from your Judas lips. It has never been a question of whether I could live without you. You’re not that great. The question you held over me was if I could deal with life without you. Could I handle the tough things without your so called “comfort”? This is the question that has gone too long unanswered.

You made one mistake. You got greedy. You stole everything from me so now I have nothing left to lose. You were not satisfied with my attention, my emotions, my protection. You dug deeper until you could taint my heart, and in doing so you turned my life into just existing. BUT I WANT TO LIVE! For the first time in my life I am more afraid of not living than of just being without you.

I wish I could say that “I once was blind, but now I see”, but the truth of matter is that I could always see. I just didn’t like what I saw so I learned to look away. But I don’t have that luxury anymore. The price of life is pain and for the first time in as long as I can remember I am willing to pay it. I am broken and I know that I will have to be broken even more before I can be fixed.

I have so much more to say, but you have stolen too much of my time already. This is goodbye. It is not “see you later” because even if you did, you would not recognize me anymore.

With All I Am,

The Real Me

2 comments:

  1. Been there! Said that! Well, nicely put ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is powerful and speaks to me. I could not figure out the vuvuzela in mine! :)

    ReplyDelete