“It’s time. Go.”
“Yes Captain. What heading?”
“Any you choose.”
Silence rested on the ship between the sound of waves lapping against the hull. The first mate was trained to chart a course in any direction he was told, but found himself completely unprepared for this response. They had drifted for many days and found themselves in the midst of an endless stretch of blue in all directions.
“I do not know which direction to go Captain.”
“Do you trust the tide to carry you home?”
“No. But I am afraid to choose wrong direction.”
“Why?”
“What if we end up lost?”
The captain chuckled in a low rumble and a wide smile spread across his face.
“Are you not already lost?”
He took a deep breath in frustration and the smell of seawater filled his nose reminding him once again of where they were.
“If I take us in the wrong direction we could die.”
“It is good that you want to choose wisely, but if we stay here you are sure to die.”
“If I choose, how will I know if I have chosen the right way?”
“You will feel my turning, sometimes small and sometimes much greater, but I can only steer this vessel when it moves. You need not fear the direction you choose as long as you allow me to hold the wheel. Set sail.”
“Yes Captain.”
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
A Letter to Addiction
Dear Addiction,
I know I am a coward for ending it this way, but I don’t know if I am strong enough to face you one last time. No, that’s not true. I know for sure I’m not strong enough. In fact that’s the whole reason for this letter.
You tricked me. Wait, that’s not entirely true. I have to be honest. I tricked myself. I made myself believe that I could control you, that I could use YOU. I put these chains on to show how they would look on you. You just smiled and gently closed the lock. I never heard a sound. I hate the fact that I have gotten used to the weight. I don’t even remember what freedom feels like. Being with you became second nature, but deep down my original nature was saving every bit of strength for the fight that starts today.
You may think that this is just another one of those times when I proclaim my freedom, struggle for a day, and just give in because I don’t see that anything’s changed, but this time is different. What I imagined as pleasure was really just a kiss of fear from your Judas lips. It has never been a question of whether I could live without you. You’re not that great. The question you held over me was if I could deal with life without you. Could I handle the tough things without your so called “comfort”? This is the question that has gone too long unanswered.
You made one mistake. You got greedy. You stole everything from me so now I have nothing left to lose. You were not satisfied with my attention, my emotions, my protection. You dug deeper until you could taint my heart, and in doing so you turned my life into just existing. BUT I WANT TO LIVE! For the first time in my life I am more afraid of not living than of just being without you.
I wish I could say that “I once was blind, but now I see”, but the truth of matter is that I could always see. I just didn’t like what I saw so I learned to look away. But I don’t have that luxury anymore. The price of life is pain and for the first time in as long as I can remember I am willing to pay it. I am broken and I know that I will have to be broken even more before I can be fixed.
I have so much more to say, but you have stolen too much of my time already. This is goodbye. It is not “see you later” because even if you did, you would not recognize me anymore.
With All I Am,
The Real Me
I know I am a coward for ending it this way, but I don’t know if I am strong enough to face you one last time. No, that’s not true. I know for sure I’m not strong enough. In fact that’s the whole reason for this letter.
You tricked me. Wait, that’s not entirely true. I have to be honest. I tricked myself. I made myself believe that I could control you, that I could use YOU. I put these chains on to show how they would look on you. You just smiled and gently closed the lock. I never heard a sound. I hate the fact that I have gotten used to the weight. I don’t even remember what freedom feels like. Being with you became second nature, but deep down my original nature was saving every bit of strength for the fight that starts today.
You may think that this is just another one of those times when I proclaim my freedom, struggle for a day, and just give in because I don’t see that anything’s changed, but this time is different. What I imagined as pleasure was really just a kiss of fear from your Judas lips. It has never been a question of whether I could live without you. You’re not that great. The question you held over me was if I could deal with life without you. Could I handle the tough things without your so called “comfort”? This is the question that has gone too long unanswered.
You made one mistake. You got greedy. You stole everything from me so now I have nothing left to lose. You were not satisfied with my attention, my emotions, my protection. You dug deeper until you could taint my heart, and in doing so you turned my life into just existing. BUT I WANT TO LIVE! For the first time in my life I am more afraid of not living than of just being without you.
I wish I could say that “I once was blind, but now I see”, but the truth of matter is that I could always see. I just didn’t like what I saw so I learned to look away. But I don’t have that luxury anymore. The price of life is pain and for the first time in as long as I can remember I am willing to pay it. I am broken and I know that I will have to be broken even more before I can be fixed.
I have so much more to say, but you have stolen too much of my time already. This is goodbye. It is not “see you later” because even if you did, you would not recognize me anymore.
With All I Am,
The Real Me
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Breaking the Pattern
Wake up. Get ready for work. Go to Starbucks. Read Bible. Go to work. Get annoyed. Get hugs from kids. Feel better. Go to lunch. Go back to work. Go home. Eat dinner. Watch baseball. Rinse and repeat. This is the pattern of my life.
Tonight, I was doing what so many people have done a thousand times. Sitting in my seat, I was watching as the flight attendant slowly made her way down the aisle to ask what I wanted to drink.
“Drink?”
“Club Soda.”
“Drink?”
“Pepsi.”
She had her pattern down.
When she reached my row I was greeted like all the others.
“Drink?”
But for some reason I suddenly cared about her. That sounds so weird, but I did. I wondered if anybody cared about what she wanted in this moment. So I broke the pattern.
“How are you?”
“We have Pepsi, Sprite, Diet…. Wait. What did you say?”
I swear that’s what she said. The lady next to me laughed.
“I said, ‘How are you?’ I was just wondering if you were having a good night.”
She cocked her head to one side and looked at me as if she had just woken up from a dream.
“Uh. I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m doin’ all right, thank you. Can I have a Dr. Pepper please?”
“You got it.”
Then came the fun part. She turned to get the orders from the row across the aisle and this is what she said.
“Good evening. How are you? What can I get you to drink?”
This time I laughed. This only went on for a couple rows at most before I began to hear, “Drink?” again, but for a few moment we had all been transformed back into people instead of just cargo.
I wish you could have been there because I could never describe the change lasted for only a minute. One simple question asked in kindness brought the atmosphere of heaven to Earth for a fleeting moment. It was brief, but the contrast was undeniable. The next time she came by she asked if I wanted some pretzels. All I said was, “No thank you.” but she smiled as if I had called her beautiful.
I will never forget the look in her eyes. It made my hungry to love people more, to look for opportunities for kindness. It reminded my that sometimes I miss living in the midst of my life. I get lost in the pattern of "the normal". Why don't I start up conversations with strangers more? Is it the fear that they will think I am weird. Do I use the excuse of politeness and convince myself that I don't want to bother anyone? Why don't I do things I've never done more often? Consistency is a good thing until you become consistently mediocre. There are great things lying within our reach every day if we can open our eyes to the possibilities. It was nice to be reminded that there is a beauty that can only be found in breaking the pattern.
Tonight, I was doing what so many people have done a thousand times. Sitting in my seat, I was watching as the flight attendant slowly made her way down the aisle to ask what I wanted to drink.
“Drink?”
“Club Soda.”
“Drink?”
“Pepsi.”
She had her pattern down.
When she reached my row I was greeted like all the others.
“Drink?”
But for some reason I suddenly cared about her. That sounds so weird, but I did. I wondered if anybody cared about what she wanted in this moment. So I broke the pattern.
“How are you?”
“We have Pepsi, Sprite, Diet…. Wait. What did you say?”
I swear that’s what she said. The lady next to me laughed.
“I said, ‘How are you?’ I was just wondering if you were having a good night.”
She cocked her head to one side and looked at me as if she had just woken up from a dream.
“Uh. I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m doin’ all right, thank you. Can I have a Dr. Pepper please?”
“You got it.”
Then came the fun part. She turned to get the orders from the row across the aisle and this is what she said.
“Good evening. How are you? What can I get you to drink?”
This time I laughed. This only went on for a couple rows at most before I began to hear, “Drink?” again, but for a few moment we had all been transformed back into people instead of just cargo.
I wish you could have been there because I could never describe the change lasted for only a minute. One simple question asked in kindness brought the atmosphere of heaven to Earth for a fleeting moment. It was brief, but the contrast was undeniable. The next time she came by she asked if I wanted some pretzels. All I said was, “No thank you.” but she smiled as if I had called her beautiful.
I will never forget the look in her eyes. It made my hungry to love people more, to look for opportunities for kindness. It reminded my that sometimes I miss living in the midst of my life. I get lost in the pattern of "the normal". Why don't I start up conversations with strangers more? Is it the fear that they will think I am weird. Do I use the excuse of politeness and convince myself that I don't want to bother anyone? Why don't I do things I've never done more often? Consistency is a good thing until you become consistently mediocre. There are great things lying within our reach every day if we can open our eyes to the possibilities. It was nice to be reminded that there is a beauty that can only be found in breaking the pattern.
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